Rabbi Jen Feldman, "Journey of Mourning"

Journey of Mourning

                          ---Rabbi Jen Feldman

 

As clergy we are called to be with people at moments of rejoicing and also at times of great vulnerability and pain. Of the many situations we are faced with, supporting a family when a loved one dies from suicide may be among the most challenging and heartbreaking.

I am not, by any means, a specialist on helping families through that dark time. However, I can provide some insights from the Jewish tradition -- ways of viewing suicide that may be new to colleagues coming from other faith perspectives. I offer, as well, insights from my own pastoral experiences in supporting families through the aftermath of a suicide.

Preservation of life is of the highest value in Judaism. Traditionally, suicide was seen as counter to this central tenant of our faith and it is prohibited by Jewish law. Members of the Jewish community who were deemed to have died by suicide were denied burial in a Jewish cemetery, and their families could not access the all of the rites of mourning. However, even in traditional Jewish law, the rabbis found someone “culpable” for suicide only if they made the decision to take their own life when they were of a “sound mind.”

Our understanding of mental illness, depression and suicide have evolved since the time of our ancient rabbis, as have Jewish attitudes toward suicide. For most contemporary rabbis, suicide is largely seen as the result of struggles with mental illness. Therefore, people who die by suicide are seen as not being of “sound mind” in taking their own lives. As such, they may be buried in Jewish cemeteries and their families are supported in all of the traditional mourning rituals attendant to the death of a loved one.

I recall rushing to the hospital to be with family members as they sat in the ER by the side of their relative who had just died by suicide. Most vividly, I remember sitting together in silence and then speaking about Judaism’s understanding that we are born with inviolable, pure souls – the inner life spark from God that unites us with the One.

Even as we sat together in anguish, together we began to sing the opening of the morning prayer Elohai Neshamah…”God the soul you have given me is pure. You created it, you formed it, you breathed it into me.”   In that moment, it felt important to affirm the essential purity and goodness the deceased’s soul – to make space for honoring and not condemning the life of the one who had died. Others have spoken to me, similarly, of viewing their loved ones as “fallen soldiers” who valiantly fought but ultimately succumbed to their struggles with mental illness.

The journey of mourning after suicide is complex and painful, but   I pray that helping families to affirm the essential sacredness of their loved one’s soul can be of comfort as they mourn.


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Rabbi Jen Feldman has served at Kehillah Synagogue since 2002 and Chapel Hill, Orange County, and the surrounding communities for over 20 years. In 2020, Rabbi Jen was named the recipient of the Annual Martin Luther King, Jr. Citizenship Award, presented to an Orange County resident “in recognition of enduring service to humanity by word and by deed.” Her work as a faith leader includes a focus on social justice and interfaith efforts. She helped establish Justice United of Orange County, a coalition that focuses on grassroots community efforts.

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The Clergy and Mental Health Blog is a forum for faith leaders to share insights and observations, sometimes speaking from personal experience, about faith and mental health.  We welcome diversity of thought and perspective.  The view of authors are their own and do not represent the views of the blog as a whole.


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