Karen Miller, Director of Children and Youth Ministries, Church of Reconciliation, "The Beauty in Safe Spaces for our Youth"

 

The Beauty in Safe Spaces for our Youth

-       Karen L Miller

I grew up in the 80’s and, like many Gen X’ers, there were things you just did not discuss. Honestly, they were so seldom talked about that I did not even have names for them. My father had an anxiety attack when I was young that he mistook for a heart attack. That ended up being used against him as a joke by others, as if a panic attack made him weak because it wasn’t a real heart attack. My sister had a similar situation happen as well, but it was “just a panic attack” and never treated as a medical issue. I found out, as an adult, that my best friend growing up was gay. Duh. It all made sense in retrospect, but I don’t think I even knew what gay really was back then. We just never talked about these things. Did I just say “back then?” I did, because my childhood is now antiquated. Hard to admit, but I am glad it is.

I often hear people of my generation (& older) wax poetic about their childhoods. You were just gone all day on your bike, came home when the streetlight came on, and drank water from the hose because mom kicked you out of the house for the day. They lament over how those days are gone and kids these days are just on the internet or whatever. Sure, fresh air and free-ranging were good for us. Talking about things openly would have also been good for us, but we didn’t. Mental health just wasn’t a “thing” in my youth. In a time where children were to be seen and not heard, where their opinions were often not valued, where it made no sense to adults to explain things to children, we were ill-prepared for the reality that is today.

I have now been in children and youth ministry for almost 20 years, and the constant re-education I have to go through in order to serve them is astounding. Even moving from church to church within the same denomination, some subjects are still misunderstood or taboo. Churches have to spend a lot of time pleasing a wide range of people and, as much as we want to keep politics out of religion, that is often impossible. How do you support your LGBTQIA+ youth when you work in a church where some people in leadership voted against their rights? How do you work through your youth being locked down at school when the elder in the pew next to you has their concealed carry weapon on them? How do you support mental health when the previous generations are so ignorant to everything they are going through because it just wasn’t a “thing” when we were young?

I took my high school youth to a conference where they heard sermons and keynotes that I encouraged them to really think about & be critical of -- I am not in the business of telling them what to believe. I appreciate when they question, because it means they are paying attention and actually thinking about what they believe instead of regurgitating some talking point.

One evening, the pastor was preaching something about the left and the right and how they both have valid points. The pastor suggested that maybe politics don’t have a place in church. When our church group met that night for devotions and to unpack worship that evening, many of my youth took issue with this. Their stance was that, if your policy is affecting real people, then that is Jesus’ business. If you are creating policy to harm or marginalize others, Jesus would not be ok with this.

They are a smart group and they are constantly teaching me. This generation is more focused on protecting one another than protecting themselves from scrutiny. When I was a teen, it felt impossible to speak up. No one wanted to hear me and my opinion. I was told that time and time again. Now, as an adult, I still feel like I am 10 and paralyzed when it comes to confrontation and speaking up, because it is ingrained in me that no one wants to hear my opinion.

This is why I am passionate about youth having a place to be truly themselves. They often have to put on “masks” (the metaphorical kind) at school, and yet another at home – masking their authentic selves all day. They are living chaotic, busy lives with school, jobs, activities, homework, sports, family responsibilities, not to mention the impact of social media. They are living adult lives and being exposed to adult situations without fully developed brains. No wonder they are anxious, stressed, and often lost.

I could list a bunch of statistics here, but the bottom line is that our kids are experiencing an increase in mental health issues at an alarming rate. I was at a Youth Mental Health First Aid Training recently where Marianne Mitchell, our instructor, told us that every youth you know has been through a traumatic event: the pandemic. Every child has been through this. We have to be prepared for the repercussions. We already do not take mental health seriously enough in our society. This is why we have to keep talking. We have to keep listening. We have to keep providing a safe space for our youth to explore who they are - without judgement or being silenced. We have to be able to provide resources for them which they may not otherwise be able to access.  That resource may be just you.

People in the church often say to me, “We need more youth! Have the youth invite friends!” I have had more than a handful of youth say “No, I don’t want to invite friends because this is the only place where I can be me.” They want to protect their peace. This little bit of peace they have in this big noisy world where they are constantly questioned and doubted. Our motto is radical acceptance in a world where they are expected to live adult lives and have to answer to so many people. You come here to be who you are and know you are loved by us and God.

I know so many other churches in this area doing this good work with their youth. Allowing them to explore, to share, to doubt, to feel, to lament, to question, to just be. I am grateful for you all.

 

Karen L Miller (she/her/hers)
Director of Children and Youth Ministries
Church of Reconciliation Presbyterian Church, Chapel Hill

 Karen has been a children and youth director in the PC(USA) for 20 years and is currently at Church of Reconciliation, Chapel Hill. She has been married to her high school sweetheart for 23 years and they have two children, Bella & Nash who are her greatest teachers. Her passions are showing youth they can make a difference and advocating for their voice.

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The Clergy and Mental Health Blog is a forum for faith leaders to share insights and observations, sometimes speaking from personal experience, about faith and mental health.  We welcome diversity of thought and perspective.  The view of authors are their own and do not represent the views of the blog as a whole.

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